Black Dating Over 40 (?)

I recently read a Face Book posting from a man who complained that women should know they are
expected to have sex with him when he takes them out for dinner. He actually believed that he was booking an evening of fanciful delight by including a food feature, and was upset at the women who wouldn’t put out after dinner.

Sex is understandably a regular recreational pursuit for singles, because it’s fun and exciting with a compatible partner, and it’s not always readily available without some effort. But there is much more to it than its stimulating property. My rationale is bible-based, but not without some sociological sup- port. I am a practicing Christian, but I haven’t always been, and I don’t want to use this time to be preachy. I just want us all to understand what is happening with mature Black men and women in and out of the church, so that everybody gets it, when it comes to sex.

Sex joins souls. That is its primary purpose, with procreation being secondary, and illustration being the tertiary purpose (as a parabolic type or shadow of the bride of Christ.) The gentleman in ques- tion is saying that a plate of food gives him the right to hitchhike onto my psyche, risk a potential "commemorative human reproduction," and compromise my role as a member of the bridal body of Christ, as he deep dives into my lady parts, exiting only after depositing some wretched hodge- podge essence of witless souls with whom he has randomly bonded in recent months.


I’ve accepted many dinner first dates, where the gentleman brings me home, waits until I get my front door open and says "Goodnight. I had a great time. Can I call you?" A brief follow-up hug is first date decorum for me. Buying dinner for me does not equate with buying or renting my body for the night. You would be disappointed if you expected that. Perhaps you should make your intentions clear up front. Lead with, "I’d like to have dinner and sex with you. Pick you up at 7?"

Your game sounds weak, mister. It speaks to how you regard women as mere playthings. If/when you do get to enjoy the privilege of playtime with a woman on the first date, it will be because she wants the same thing you want, dinner or not. You’d both be mere playthings. Some of you guys on my Face Book feed make my personal choice of abstinence difficult, because you are gorgeous and difficult to resist with all of your attractive accoutrements, including being witty, intelligent, talented, accomplished, or a combo of these traits and more, and while the muscles are a value-add to gawk at, most of us women don’t mind at all if the midriff is cuddly or just a little pudgy.


But attractions notwithstanding, our end goals may greatly differ, so we should start out with some clarity. Neither your gorgeous presence nor your dinner offer would be construed as an equitable incentive for me. I cook gourmet! Most women over 40 are merely looking for that nice guy who doesn’t want to play the field, who wants to hang out with her, who could laugh and talk for hours

on the phone with her, teaching her, learning from her, flirting, exchanging sentiments of affection, being sexually exclusive with her, and being open to a possible long term of togetherness.

A woman over 40 wants to get to know you, to size you up, and to see if you fit in her life, and vice versa. Dinner together is a great way to introduce yourselves at your own pace. You could give her a high-end experience, or maybe after a movie, share great tacos from the local street vendor. If she can feel your contentment in being with her, she’s happy. A second dinner date with no strings attached might be refreshing for you both. And remember, after she pays for her hair, mani-, pedi- and make up, she will have paid more to go out with you than you paid to take her out. But some- times more sinister things await.

Sexual hook ups can be serious and life altering. If you are on the constant prowl for sexual smash time, you are skimming along the edge of a dangerous precipice. If you have no concerns about the character of your partner, you raise additional alarms. STD’s are real, owing to the proclivities of encounters in the dating sex-pool. But paradigm down-shifts in your own mental soundness are also real. There’s always that one man or woman that you wish you hadn’t slept with because that person seemed a bit unstable during dinner, and afterwards they kept calling at all hours or doing drive-bys.


You might subsequently find yourself behaving just like that person, perhaps for the rest of your life. Recognize that you cannot shield yourself from a soul tie with a prophylactic. An incorporeal transfer will still occur. A spiritual amalgamation will happen (intentionally designed to bind husbands and wives) and despite your best protective efforts to remain single and free, you will have entered a long term "marriage" contract with that person’s contaminated soul. A cocktail blend of that person’s
multiplicity of poor choices are now operating in you.

There are consequences.

Bon Appetit.



1. SOUL TIES Gen. 2:24, Gen. 34:1-3, Matt .19: 4-6
2. PROCREATION Gen. 1:27,28, Gen. 15:1-4
3. TYPES & SHADOWS Eph. 5:32, Matt. 25:10, Rev. 21:2, 9, Rev.

Victoria Grimmett Rabb is a columnist based in Los Angeles.